Platzerior Design

Earlier this morning Karen left to go spend two weeks in Ireland gallivanting around with some of her friends doing whatever the devil it is 4 girls do over there (most likely eating coddle, not tanning, and getting porked by dudes named Colin).

After she left, everything seemed to be going normally. I was in the home office, logged into work, and sans pants as usual. But after a little while something felt strange. I looked around and realized something was wrong in the apartment, and I’m not talking about the interracial relationship that occurs here. No, this place was too feminine.

I knew that if I were to survive the next two weeks I needed to man-ify this place, and I needed to do it now. I went from room to room and made a list of changes that needed to occur and then got down to enacting my terribly important, terribly idiotic plan.

So, gentlemen readers, feel free to use this week’s post as a guide for what to do to your place when your ladyfriend is out of town. Lady readers, feel free to continue being appalled by my lack of couth.

Change #1 – The Home Office
Before:

Curtains?! A plant?! A view of nature?! No no no … this won’t do!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present my Spank-Station. Designed for extreme comfort, entertainment, and spankability. Note the two, count them, TWO types of lotion readily available. Going to be a quick spank? Well then the lotion of the right which provides a slicker, quicker drying experience is in order. Going to be a marathon 3 hour spankfest? The lotion on the left offers more of a long-lasting oily sheen which minimizes long-term friction.

Change #2 – Bathroom Shower
Before:

Look at all those brightly colored bottles of soaps and shampoos! And for fuck’s sake, is that a shower pouf on the top rack?!

Note how the only thing I’ve got on this platter of ovarian horrors is a bar of soap comprised of mushed-together soap slivers and ass hairs clinging to it for dear life.

There is one thing that all men regardless of age hold sacred: the shower beer. You ladies have your apricot face scrubs, we have 12 ounces of cold-fermented mouth orgasm. And it’s a proven fact that to men the combination a hot shower with a cold beer is a close second on the “awesome scale” to a 30 minute back scratch.

“But Platzie, there’s still a brightly-colored bottle of conditioner in the shower!” … don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare use that vile cleanly stuff on my head. No, it’s for when I need lube for a shower spank.

Change #3 – The Bedroom Dresser
Before:

Look at all these feminine garments! Panties! Tiny socks! Brassieres! And this is only one drawer!

Alright, time to plan for what clothes I’m going to need for the next two weeks. I’m probably going to go out a few nights. I’ll end up heading to the gym, beach, and park a few times … Ok got it.

“Change Daily”? Pfffffff

Change #4 – The Refrigerator
Before:

Bamboo shoots?! Fresh vegetables?! Fat free milk?! Sweet mother of god, TURKEY DOGS?! Fuck everything about this…

I’ve got all three of the major food groups covered:
- Grains
- Marshmallows
- Chocolate-loving vampires

Change #5 – The Bathroom Sink
Before:

You know what the difference between Karen and my left hand is? Unlike Karen, my left hand doesn’t care if I have fresh breath or not before it gets freaky with me. Sorry toothbrush and mouthwash, your services won’t be required these next two weeks…

A bacon brush and gin wash?!  No readers … don’t look!! It’s too beautiful for humans to lay their eyes upon!!

And Finally…Change #6 – The Bedroom
Before:

Look at this thing, all full of mattresses and sheets. Did our ancestors sleep in beds? Well yes, but did their ancestors sleep in beds? No! And I’ll be damned if after a long night of boozing alone by myself in the living room if I’m going to crawl into this abomination .

Ahhh yes, check out that nice man nest. Oh, and what’s that I see next to it? Well will you look at that, it comes with its own “relief bucket”! Someone put the Ritz Carlton on notice because Newport, Rhode Island just got itself some swanky new digs.

Well there you have it. Not to be too modest, but I pretty much just converted this apartment into the greatest place ever. Now I would remiss if I kept all this awesomeness to myself so everyone is welcome to come by and use all of the stuff here in Karen’s apartment for the next two weeks while she’s away … trust me, it’s what she would want.