Choose Your Own Platzventure

One of the finer things someone has said about me was “Drinking with you is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book.”

Choose Your Own Adventure books were fantastic – you would assume the role of the main character and every few pages you’d be given a choice of where the story would go. Example:

You see a strange looking man on the street. Do you:

• Poke him with a stick and die? Turn to page 54
• Keep walking past him and die? Turn to page 37

I thought in the spirit of recreating those books, I’d let you, my sexy readers, choose my adventure today. Also, I’m hung over and in no mood to write a long, regular post so this is one hell of a good cop-out.

So here’s the deal – I’m alone in Newport all day today. Karen is in New York for Thanksgiving, and in a moment of lunacy a while back she gave me a key to her place. You guys tell me what to do today, and I’ll do it, photograph it, and post it here. This page will be continuously updated throughout the day until midnight tonight or when I pass out drunk/get arrested. Tell me what to do by leaving comments on this post, on Facebook, or call/text me.

Some caveats:

• It has to take place in the town of Newport, RI. Karen lives walking distance to downtown so I’m in the Thames/Memorial/Bellevue streets area.
• It can’t be illegal

So let’s kick this off. It’s 9:42 am. I’m on the couch and not wearing pants – tell me what to do.

10:40am – Kevin writes: “I would be happy to start things off. Take 2 shots of the highest proof alcohol you have in the place.”

Coming in at 80 proof each, rum and tequila are the two highest proof alcohols in the apartment. Also, I haven’t eaten anything yet, so … thanks dude.

Rum first

Tequila next, finishing off the bottle

And now I’m going to go throw up…

10:56 am – Mr. Swims writes: “I think morning aerobics is a great idea, as is, you shall find the nearest doorframe and proceed to do twenty pull-ups!”

Do I get extra points for doing them pantsless?

11:20 am – Kevin writes: “Also, Platz, while you’re getting dressed, I think you’d be far more comfortable in Karen’s sexist thong underwear for all the festivities today.”

I think I found something better than a thong…

…it should be renamed Hello Mantitty

 

12:20 pm Karen and Kim write: “Go to McDonald’s. Take Toad with you. Order yourself a Big Mac and fries. Order Toad a salad, as she needs to stay slim. Eat the food at McDonald’s. Make sure Toad is sitting on the table with the salad in front of her.” … and … “you have to match the incredible fashion sense of Toad.”

On our way to our romantic date…

 

12:45 Todd wrote: “head to some of the independent shops or even restaurants and ask them what their Black Friday deals are.”

Done, I asked the guy at the liquor store. There were no specials.

1:00 pm Aims and Karen wrote: “Go test drive a manly pick-up truck” and “… wearing my colorful heart T-shirt!”

1:30 pm Kevin wrote: grab a pack of Misty’s while your in the liquor store…. pull the bottom of your festive shirt up through the neck like a real hussy. Then smoke a Misty in a very ostentatious manner at on the sidewalk of a busy intersection with decent foot traffic.

They didn’t have Misty’s, so I got Eve Ultra Lights Slim 100′s

Now I really should have had this picture taken facing the other way with my back to traffic, but I smoke this while facing one of the busier 4-way intersection in Newport – Memorial and Bellvue. I waited until a young couple walked by and asked them to take a pic. I’m exhaling, my sweet sweet Eve Slim 100.

Here’s a wider shot of the intersection I took from my car afterward

2:11 pm Kevin wrote: “Nothing washes down a Big Mac like a FourLoko or a 40 oz. of Private Stock. Your choice….”

I found out that Four Loko is in fact banned in Rhode Island, so instead I got a Joose. Pretty much the same thing: 12% ABV and full of caffeine.

Now that I’m boozed up, I think it’s time to go do a little shopping and singing…

2:41 pm Wan wrote: “Since you are all alone today, I think you can use a little love. Find a total stranger who would give you a hug, a peck on the cheek and allow you to take photos of that!”

2:45 pm Dylan wrote: “When some of the locals are looking at you like you are insane immediately break into the chorus of “I Gotta Be Me” by Sammy Davis Jr.”

2:51pm Swims wrote: “I think Toad needs a snow hat, and of course she will have to try one on!”

Although it’s not a “snow hat”, Toad wanted to represent her hometown with a Newport baseball cap.

3:07 pm Brian, Austen, and Swims wrote:

Brian: “Take two pickles off [the Big Mac] and keep them in a safe place. Then after you get that Four Loko, outside of the store, take your shirt off, place the pickles on your nipples, and then scream 5 times “Pickles and Four Loko makes me horny!”

Austen: “I hear that the Friday after thanksgiving is one of the BEST times to go for a swim in newport!”

Swims: “HOW COULD I FORGET!!! OF COURSE you have to ~SWIM~”

I decided to combine all the requests…

My favorite parts of this:

1. Explaining to the couple that walked by as I parked what I was about to do
2. Throwing the pickles into a the water of a protected nature preserve
3. The looks I got as I drove back to Karen’s place nude.

4:43 pm Dylan wrote: “I think you should go get a pedicure complete with red nail polish.”

6:25 pm Jill wrote: “During your pedicure, while relaxing, write a poem about Walter.”

Here you go, in haiku form:

Gargoyle pig you are round
You generate a gravitational field around you
I wish you were bosintang

6:31 pm Todd D. wrote: “Write a letter to either Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck explaining why you are thankful for being a patriotic American and why all other nations on earth are pathetic second rate countries.”

7:00 pm Chris wrote: Eat a McRib/Double Down combination. Also, take a laxative and don’t poop until at least midnight.

Not going to lie, it was freaking delicious. Also, I’m absolutely terrified to fart right now.

 

Platzie Update #1: Alright, it’s 7:10 pm now, I’m going to take a nap for an hour then head out to the bar. Keep the suggestions coming. Note that since I’m going to be drinking, I can’t drive anywhere else tonight, so keep the suggestions downtown Newport-centric.

Side note: I figured I’d pound one off to get me in the nap mood before I head out to finish up my tasks. Is it wrong that I’m glancing at my toes and it’s kind of doing the trick for me? Wait, don’t answer that, it’s very wrong.

Platzie Update #2: After the world’s most unsatisfying nap, I’m up and on my way out to the bar. I feel like I want to throw up, my bowels are aching, and I’m shaking slightly uncontrollably. So yeah, par for the course for a Friday evening I suppose. I’ll do my best to update this page from my phone, some of the formatting might get funky though.

8:51 pm Chuck wrote: “How about recreating a scene from the movie “Boogie Nights” with you as porn legend Dirk Diggler”

 

Platzie Update #3: This is the most obnoxiously hammered I’ve been in a bit. Well played everyone. I’ll do the full recap tomorrow because honestly, it’s a bit hard to post right now.

Everyone that made a post, I did it, I just need to sleep right now. Tomorrow.

Platzie Update #4: Well that was certainly the longest, most emesis-filled evening. Here are the pics from the bars!

 

9:15 pm Kevin wrote: “When you go get the rumplemintz, drink at least 1 beer and one mixed drink as well. Do it all in under 30 minutes.”

9:35 pm Kevin texted: “Good job on drinking the 3 in 30 minutes. Do an encore.”

10:40 pm Kevin and Dylan wrote: “15 jumping jacks in the bar?” and “while saying this body is built for sex”

I think I was actually saying “I have a sexy body” … hence the guy saying “No he doesn’t”

 

11:25 pm Brian wrote: “get yourself a couple shots of bourbon.”

11:30 pm Mr. Swims wrote: “Have a man spank your ass to which you shall promptly reply,”Thank you sir, may I have another!”

Now this was the one challenge that I thought I’d never be able to get done, but I did ….. twice.

 

11:40 pm Paulie wrote: “Recite five lines of the hit movie “The room” , while in a public place.”

 

11:50 pm Karen wrote: “After you’ve finished all your other tasks, I want you to sit on my couch in those grungy old shorts, and build a Pooky statue in your Minecraft world. Then, crawl into my bed, snuggle up to Toad and go to sleep!”

And that’s it! 14 hours and 18 minutes after starting, 642 page views of Platzie.com later, Choose Your Own Platzventure has come to a close. Thankfully I’ll never have to do this again…

5:16 pm Todd wrote: “This should be a yearly Platzie tradition.You’ve kept me glued to this site all day.

…for fuck’s sake. Added to the list!