DumpDecaHedron

The other evening I took my ladyfriend Karen out for a candlelit dinner at one of Newport’s finest restaurants. The wine was earthy, the pheasant was succulent, and naturally I gladly took care of all the expenses.

…..ok, we actually went to the bar at Olive Garden because Karen wanted to see how many endless breadsticks as she could shove down her gullet, and I wanted to get drunk. She also footed the bill.

As I sat there enjoying the slow embrace of inebriation, I noticed a couple sitting at the bar next to us. Both looked to be in their late 20′s. She was a stocky lass, he was a fellow of average build. She was prattling on endlessly about their upcoming nuptials, he was sitting there in silence looking like he was already counting down the days until death (be it his or hers) would grant him sweet release.

I turned to Karen and said “You know, I’m really lucky to be with you. I could have ended up miserable like that guy.”

She stopped gorging for a moment, looked up at me, and with a mouth full of breaksticks garbled “Yeah I know. I’m pretty awesome.”

That got me thinking. There are a ton of reasons why Karen should have dumped me by now and relegated me back to being in a miserable relationship. Reasons such as my small penis, my hirsute derriere, or my penchant for walking around nude showing off said penis and derriere (which further exacerbates Karen’s visual trauma) … it’s really an endless parade of mediocrity over here.

With that in mind Karen and I decided to come up with a definitive list of reasons why she should break up with me. After a few more drinks, a lot more breadsticks, and quite a bit of boisterous laughter on our part (which probably made the guy next to us even more suicidal), we whittled our lengthy list down to 10. So here they are in all their crapulance:

Top Ten Reasons Why Karen Should Probably Break Up With Me

Reason #10 – I leave poo streaks in her toilet, and when she complains I tell her that the next time she’s taking a whizz she should just make a game out of blasting them off.

Reason #9 – One word: Moobs

Reason #8 – All my jokes are poo and/or semen related. Seriously! You know how hard it was to write that non-sexual, non-fecal post last week? Took me damn near 5 days!

Reason #7 – Every time I see an Asian girl I nudge Karen, wink, and propose a mix-in.

Reason #6 – This photo exists on the Internet:

Reason #5 – My reckless driving. And not because she’s scared I’ll get us into a car accident. Because she’s just tired of me slamming on the brakes, bracing her with an arm across the chest, and then honking a boob.

Reason #4 – I’m known to occasionally imbibe a sip or two of alcohol

Reason #3 – Sometimes when she’s changing clothes in front of me I’ll sit there pretending I’m typing something on my iPhone. In reality I’m taking nude pictures of her which I later use to pad the ol’ spankfolio.

Reason #2 – I gave Karen the nickname Swiss because the first letter of her name reminds me of K-Swiss shoes. She gave me the nickname Smoots because my farts remind her of hot beef and are therefore Smelly Toots.

And the #1 Reason (which sadly is true) – I constantly joke around that one day I’m going to sneak into her apartment when she’s not home, jerk off while smelling her used panties, ejaculate onto her treasured childhood teddy bear Pooky, and then rub my semen into its fur.

A little somethin’ extra: While writing this week’s post, the IM conversation below became yet another of the myriad of reasons why I should probably NEVER break up with Karen.